Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
