as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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