I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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