you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
