you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
