I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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