Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
