This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
