I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
