i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
