Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
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She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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