Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
