Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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