plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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