thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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