saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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