His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
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I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize