I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
