why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
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