my phone needs a breathalizer
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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