If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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