Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
