she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
