How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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