my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
