Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
