i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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