On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize