my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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