i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
