i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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