8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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