Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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