peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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