Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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