I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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