ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
