My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
