please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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