3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
