my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
