Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
