if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
