so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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