It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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