After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just blew my weed a kiss
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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