Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
