Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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