i jhust puked up my retainher.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
