I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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