life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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