gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
