Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
