i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
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